


If You Can't Take the Heat...

by QueSeraAwesome



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: F/M, Kitchen Sex, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Multi, Pegging, Threesome, Threesome - F/M/M, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-18
Updated: 2014-05-18
Packaged: 2018-01-25 14:32:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1652078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueSeraAwesome/pseuds/QueSeraAwesome
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>...have sex in the kitchen. That's Kaikaina's motto anyway. She has a lot of mottos. Also a lot of great ideas. Sometime, it's just a matter of proving how great her ideas are.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If You Can't Take the Heat...

“No sex in the kitchen,” Wash insists. “That’s not sanitary.”

“Soilsport.”

“Buzzkill.”

“Fun-killer.”

“We have sex in _literally_ every other room of the house,” Wash protests. “We don’t need the kitchen also. Where the food is. Where we _cook_.”

Tucker mutters under his breath, something about “Bet I know how we could get cooking,” or possibly: “I’ll cook you.”

“No,” Wash says. “New house rule. Boundaries, people. We have to have them.”

“But whhhyyyyy.”

“Stop that,” Wash says. “It’s not going to kill you to walk two dozen steps to the bedroom. Or any other room.”

“This blows,” Tucker says.

“No, it doesn’t,” Kai says unhappily.

Wash leans down and kisses them both on the foreheads. Tucker scrunches up his face in protest, he never likes the reminder of how much taller Wash is than him (unless it’s being used for sexy advantage).

“It’s just common sense,” Wash says.

Tucker and Kaikaina don’t argue. At least not at the moment.

*

Wash is at work. Kaikaina is plotting.

“I’m gonna do it,” Kai insists.

“No way,” Tucker says. “No way is he going to let you blow him in the kitchen.”

“I’m not gonna blow him,” Kai says.

Tucker sends doubting eyebrows her way.

“I’m not _just_ gonna blow him. I’m gonna fuck him. You watch. It’s gonna happen.”

*

The plan is thus: Hit as many of Wash’s buttons as possible so he forgets they’re in the kitchen and breaking his stupid rule.

That’s the whole plan. The end.

*

He’s drying dishes when she decides to strike. Who the fuck even dries dishes. That’s what the dish rack is for. Duh. But Wash always does it.

Kaikaina comes up behind him and wraps her arms around him in a hug, resting her cheek against the top of his spine.

“What’re you up to?” Wash asks.

Kai would love to protest, but she’s got a plan, see? So instead she just nuzzles against his back, squeezes gently.

“Missed you,” she says.

She feels his chest lift, expanding and then releasing.

“You were only in the other room.”

“Missed you,” she just repeats.

Wash snorts, goes back to drying dishes.

See, here’s the thing about Wash, he’s a fucking sponge for affection. Kaikaina has yet to find a situation in which Wash will not submit to hand-holding. He could be threatening their enemies, arguing with aliens, and if she or Tucker grabbed his hand, he’d just roll with it. He doesn’t turn away affection.

Sometimes that makes her sad, thinking about why that is, all those years Wash spent without anyone to hug him.

So she wraps her arms around him, let’s them both sink into the feeling of how near they are to each other. She can feel any tension Wash had carried around leeching out of him. After a while he starts leaning back into her, letting her take his weight a bit. Reaching back to her, at least as much as he can in this position.

She thinks she read somewhere that the longer you hug someone, the longer you keep skin to skin close contact, the more happy chemicals go off in their brain. (She’s intending on sending Wash a lot of happy chemicals. A Lot).

The front of his shirt is damp where the dishwater splashed him. Kai traces the edges of the dampness, down from where her hands were resting near his ribs to just above his belt.

“You got all wet,” she says.

“Kai—“Wash says, warningly.

“What? Look, I can feel your abs through here.”

It’s true, she can. She traces the lines of muscle with her fingers, light and teasing, feels those muscles jump in response.

“We agreed no sex in the kitchen,” Wash says, but he doesn’t sound 100% sure of himself. Maybe 85%. Kai was never that great at math, she’s pretty sure that’s lower.

“I’m not sexing you,” Kai says. _Yet_ , she thinks. “Finish the dishes.”

She can tell she’s getting to him by the way he doesn’t respond, just picks up the towel and keeps drying, as if on automatic. She presses more firmly against him, feels the stutter of breath in his chest. Her hips fall just the slightest bit below his, just right enough to make it _easy_ , to put the thought in his head, and from the way he shifts and  widens his stance, he’s thinking about it. Oh yeah, he’s starting to think about it.

She kisses the back of his neck, goes up on tiptoe (pressing herself even firmer along his back) to trail sucking kisses along his neck and shoulder, everywhere she can reach. She flicks her tongue against that spot near the back of his ear that makes him groan every time and he doesn’t disappoint. Even better, he tilts his head to the side, letting her have better access. Kai is 99% sure that Wash’s ability to remember the “no sex in the kitchen” rule has reached 45% and falling fast. She trails her lips back down his neck, letting her tongue and the slightest edge of teeth get into the game. She keeps her hands busy, tracing the lines of muscle on his stomach, tracing up to his chest and back down again. She can’t resist, she really can’t, so she leaves a small mark on the back of his neck, next to his spine.

“Kai,” Wash says, but it isn’t a protest this time.

Kai smiles against his shoulder, reaches up on tiptoe again and gently bites down on that spot behind his ear. It earns her a full body shudder. He shifts again, spreading his legs wider, and she wonders if he knows he’s doing that. _Yes_ , Kai thinks, _he’s totally ready_.

“Hands on the counter, Wash.”

And he fucking _does_ it. Kaikaina is a huge fan of Wash’s submissive streak. The curve of his spine when he just gives in, the hang of his neck when he just let’s go and lets her handle things. It makes her want to handle him. A lot. Which she’s going to do.

Wash drops the towel in the sink and curls his hands around the edge of the counter top. Kai hums in approval, enjoys the way his eyes slide shut in response. She presses her cheek against the back of his neck again, really lets her hands wander. One slides up his shirt, taking the time to trace those muscles and grope, palms spreading across his skin. His nipples aren’t as sensitive as Tucker’s (no one’s are more sensitive than Tucker’s. Ever. Of all time) but she still takes the time to play with them, he still likes that. She rubs and pinches them to hardness, enjoys the flex of Wash’s hands around the counter in response. She’s not in any hurry, takes her time alternating with drags of her palms and the pads of her fingers across his skin. When she finally does let her hands drop below his belt, he’s hard. She traces the curve of his zipper, cups the bulge in his jeans and savors the hitch in his breathing, the way he seems torn between pressing back against her or pushing his hips up into her hand. She trails one hand back up to play with his nipples, using the other to get his jeans undone. It takes a little longer with one hand (not a lot longer, she’s got skills), but she’s also taking her time. It’s almost offhand, almost lazy the way she reaches inside, wraps her hand around him. Wash groans raggedly, loud in the quiet of the house.

She’s got him out, jeans pushed down just enough out of the way when Tucker comes into the kitchen.

“Holy shit—“

“You sit down,” Kai says, not pausing in her ministrations a second. “And watch.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Tucker says cheerfully, pulling out a kitchen chair.

“Don’t get your pants open yet,” Kai says. “You have to wait.”

She turns her attention back to Wash, pressing her thumb in circles in that sensitive spot under the head until he shivers, and then dropping her hand to play with his balls. He’s gripping the counter so hard (trying so hard to be good) that it makes the muscles in his arms stand out. Kai adjusts them so Tucker can see, she knows how he has a thing for Wash’s arms.

“Don’t,” she says when she sees Tucker’s hand reaching towards his own zipper. “Tucker, not yet.”

He cups himself through his pants, eyebrow raised in question and Kai nods in assent. That’s okay. He can do that. She let’s go of Wash a moment, licks her palm to get it wet before wrapping around him and jerking him in long, slow strokes. His hips stutter forward into her fist and she presses a smile against his back. Tucker curses quietly.

“Does he look good?” Kai asks. “Like this? Answer, or you’re not ever getting your pants open.”

“Shit, yes,” Tucker responds, instantly.

Kaikaina hums a pleased response. She pushes Wash’s pants down farther, runs an appreciative palm over the curve of his ass. It’s a really nice ass. She is such a fan of this ass. She leaves his pants bunched absurdly around his knees, likes the way they’ll restrict his movement. Insta-bondage. She knows he’ll like that, even if it makes things a little harder. He’ll just have to bend over a little more. She runs her fingers over the head of his cock, smearing the precome there. Her other hand she moves lower, until she can rub tight circles over his perineum. He nearly shouts at that, but bites it back. Oh, yeah, she knows what he wants. She leans up, gets her lips as close to his ear as she can.

“You want me to fuck you, Wash?” she asks.

He doesn’t say yes, but the harsh rush of air he exhales is clear answer enough, and if it wasn’t, the press of his hips back against hers is. She reaches up and offers him two fingers, which he accepts greedily. She moans herself at the feel of his tongue working at her fingers, the eagerness with which he sucks them. She reluctantly pulls them away, shiny with saliva.

“Tucker, you got lube?” she asks.

Tucker digs in his pocket, throws her a small travel-sized bottle. That’s her man, (one of them) always prepared (they tend to prepare for different things). She catches it one handed. Takes her hand off of Wash’s dick to coat her fingers, before returning the non-lubed hand to wrap around his cock. He shudders and strains against her fingers and she jacks him a few times, enjoys the way he tenses against her. Her other hand she runs gently down from his hip, fingers pausing at the cleft of his ass.

“Do you want me to?” Kai asks. “You have to say it, or I won’t.”

“Just do it,” Wash groans, changing his grip on the counter so he can let his forehead drop onto his arms. “Please.”

She rewards him with two fingers. She knows that’s gotta burn, but she also knows Wash _likes_ that burn, likes the pain of it, would know that even if he weren’t pressing back insistently against her, trying already to take more.

“Kai—“ he groans. “Kaikaina—“

She presses a kiss against the back of his shoulder, fucks him faster with her fingers. Wash pants against his forearms, bent over the counter. His eyes are shut tight, his hips canting backwards like he can’t help it in a wordless request for more. It makes her hips press forward against the side of his hip, her clit aching for pressure, for relief.

“Okay,” she says to Tucker, “You can touch yourself now.”

The sound of the zipper is loud in the kitchen and Kaikaina takes her eyes off the way Wash is writhing with every push of her fingers to look over her shoulder at Tucker. He’s got his pants pushed down his hips just enough, cock out and hand working up its length. He grins lazily at her and she smiles back. She makes sure Tucker can see when she gives Wash a third finger, loves the way they both groan in tandem.

She takes her hands off him for a second (and he doesn’t even move, he’s so good) and unbuttons her shorts, shimmying them off her hips and kicking them away. She’s wearing her strap-on panties, but she’s missing one vital bit of equipment. She presses herself back against him again, stroking him lazily, twists three fingers inside him, and he arches in response. She knows he can feel the o-ring against his hip, knows she’d been thinking about this this morning when she put them on, wore them around all day, to work and everything.

“Tell him which one you want,” she says. “He’ll go get it for you, won’t you Tucker?”

“Hell yeah,” Tucker says.

He fists his own cock, then brings his hand down to roll his balls in his palm. Wash ducks his head, blush spreading down his shoulders. As many times as they’ve done this, all the shit they’ve done together and he still fucking blushes. It’s one of her favorite things about him. She’s got a lot of favorite things.

She knows sometimes he’s gotta be given a bit of incentive, a push to say what he wants. Kai crooks her fingers, searching. It’s harder at this angle, but sure enough—

“Blue,” Wash chokes out. “Blue one.”

“You heard him,” Kaikaina says. “You know which one he’s—“

But Tucker is already gone, quick feet taking him to the bedroom. How he moved that fast with a boner and his pants halfway down his hips, she doesn’t know. Kaikaina buries her head in Wash’s neck and laughs and laughs. She can feel Wash chuckling underneath her too. She crooks her fingers again, fluttering her fingers against his prostrate and the chuckle dissolves into a moan so loud Tucker’s got to be able to hear him across the house.

“Got it,” Tucker says, reappearing with the blue dildo in hand.

It’s thick, a little thicker than the average in her collection, with deep ridges running along its length. Tucker’s already put a condom on it. When she raises her eyebrows at him he just shrugs at her (which looks ridiculous with his pants open and his hard-on hanging out) like, _I dunno, just thought we’d keep our options open_.

“Thanks,” Kai says. “Now go sit down again.”

She pulls her fingers free from Wash and plucks the waistband of the panties away from her body, slips the dildo through the o-ring with practiced ease. She lubes it up, making sure it’s secure and aligned right. Tucker sits himself back in his chair, pushing his pants even farther down.

She gets herself lined, up, tip of the dildo just barely pressing against him, and waits. His hips press backwards, but she moves with him.

“Kai—“

“Ask for it.”

He groans quietly, drops his forehead to the counter, back arching, bent over and blatantly asking for it in every way but words, but that’s not going to cut it this time. She wants to hear it.

“Kaikaina,” he grits out. “Please.”

She presses, just the tiniest bit in, just enough for him to get a feel for the girth of the toy before pulling back out. She wants more.

“Please,” he groans. “Please, please, Kai, _please_ —“

“Say it,” Tucker moans, fisting his cock hard. “She’s not gonna let you have it until you fucking say it, you gotta—“

“Please,” Wash whispers. He goes tense all over and for a second Kai worries she’s pushed him too hard, but then he relaxes, goes pliant against her and— “Please, _please, Kai, fuck me, please_.”

She’s got to then, presses all the way in in one long, unsteady push, breath shaking out of her, overwhelmed with how good he is, a little drunk off the way he sighs, gives it all up for her.

“You’re so good, Wash,” she murmurs, staring at where the dildo’ disappearing inside of him, giving them both time to adjust, get used to the girth of it inside him. He moans and rolls his hips against her, trying to get her deeper and she allows him that, if just for the image. She can hear Tucker cursing again behind them.

She sets a slow rhythm, long deliberate drags designed for him to feel every inch of her, likes the way his shaking exhales match every time she pushes in, the hitch in his breath as she presses deep. She can’t keep it up long though, he’s too beautiful like this, bent over their counter. She picks up the pace, and he arches in response, jaw clenched tight, and that won’t do, it won’t do.

“You don’t have to be quiet,” Kai grits out between thrusts. “I didn’t tell you to be quiet, Wash.”

The moan he lets out reverberates deeply in his chest, and she wonders how long he’s been holding that back.

“Yeah,” she says, “Let me hear you. Let him hear you, how good it feels, you’ll make me think I’m not doin’ my job right, _Wash_.”

“S’good,” Wash slurs. “Kaikaina.”

“Lemme hear you,” she growls, dropping her weight just a bit, searching for just the right angle.

She reaches around, wraps her hand around him again and jacks him hard in counterpoint to her thrusts. He fucking writhes, gripping the edge of the counter like a lifeline, like it’s the only thing grounding him in the haze of pleasure she’s got him in. His hips work helplessly back against her, and she lets him do it, focuses on fucking him, fucking him hard, jerking him off, making him moan loader, she’s gonna fucking _wreck_ him and she _is_ , she’s doing a damn good job of it.

He starts shaking, thighs trembling and she knows he’s so close, so fucking close—

Kai pulls out completely, grabs him by the shoulder and spins him around. He gasps at the loss but goes easily, malleable in her grasp, the small of his back hitting the counter as she turns him to face her.

“Hands on the counter,” Kai snaps, her knees hitting the kitchen tile.

She swallows him down, all in one go, because girl got skills. Wash groans raggedly and when she opens her eyes she sees he’s following orders, supporting himself with his elbows on the counter top, hands grasping the edges, head thrown back. She pulls back and licks him sloppily as possible from root to tip, stopping there to pay extra attention to the head just the way he likes.

“Fuck, Kaikaina,” she hears Tucker groan from behind them. “Fuck.”

Wash is starting to shake, the way he always does when he’s close, close and holding back. She runs a hand up one freckled thigh, reaches back to where he’s still slick and presses. This time she gives him four, fingers sinking in easily, takes his cock all the way in at the same time and Wash shouts. She fucks him with those four fingers, takes him in deep and he arches into it and then he’s coming. He comes in long pulses down her throat, thighs trembling with the force of his orgasm, and Kai only barely doesn’t smile into it, can’t, too busy focusing on coaxing more shudders out of him.

When he’s done she lets him slip out of her mouth, mostly clean, and slick with salivia, looks up into his face and takes in his slack expression, eyes still closed as he comes down. She rubs circles against his hipbones before releasing them, sliding her palms up and down his thighs. She’s not surprised at all when his knees give out after she releases him, catches him easily. She nuzzles against his cheek, pleased by his breath puffing in her ear. He presses his face into the crook of her neck and shakes with aftershocks, and she holds him through it until he stops.

“Fuck,” he says tiredly, and she smiles into his cheek.

Kai kisses him then, all tongue and lips and no teeth this time. Just them and wet and easy slides, sloppy as he continues to come down and she dizzy with his pleasure.

“Fuck,” Tucker hisses through clenched teeth. “Fuck, Kai, Wash—“

She kisses Wash again, and then pulls back. She gets, a little unsteadily, to her feet, tugs Wash’s hand towards Tucker. She’s so wet, she practically throbs from how long she’s been ignoring herself. She takes the dildo out of the o-ring, drops it gently on the floor before sliding her panties off and kicking them aside.

“Tucker,” she says. “Let me.”

She straddles him in his chair and he gets the point because he groans, gets the condom on in record time and then cants his hips up, helping guide him inside her.

Kai tips her head back and just enjoys that first thrust. It’s always her favorite (she has so many favorites), the feel of being full where she was empty and aching before. She gets her feet under her, starts riding him in earnest, and Tucker groans, clutching at her hips. Wash leans up on his knees from beside the chair, sinks a hand in Tucker’s hair. He still looks utterly spent, but he kisses like he isn’t, tilting Tucker’s chin where he wants it. He kisses Tucker filthy, and Kai feels heat bloom through her again just watching it, watching the way they pant into each other’s mouths before kissing again. Her hips work, driving him in and out of her but it’s not quite enough, she can’t quite get the force she needs and she grabs the back of the chair and chases that more, the more she needs.

“Tucker,” she gasps, “Tucker, c’mon.”

It’s all the cue he needs and he spreads his legs, feet planted for leverage and starts to thrust up to meet her. The force and the angle cause him to rub right against her g-spot on each stroke and she changes her focus to keeping still, just letting him fuck up into her and that perfect angle while stars shoot behind her eyes.

Wash shifts until he’s behind her and she leans back gratefully against him, letting him take her weight. He places his hands on her hips right over Tucker’s, helping keep her steady as Tucker thrusts up into her.

“Fuck,” she groans, leaning her head back on his shoulder. He kisses her hair. “Fuck, yes, just like that—“

Wash takes a hand off her hip, reaches down to rub tight circles over her clit and that’s all it takes. She’s been too keyed up for too long and her orgasm crests through her, tightening down and then expanding in waves out to her fingers and toes. Tucker growls as her muscles contract around him, fucks her hard through it and Wash doesn’t let up either and she thinks it’s going to be too much, she’s still too sensitive but then she’s coming again, curling in on herself until her head is resting on Tucker’s shoulder. His fingers dig into her hips, grounding her.

“Kai,” he gasps. “Kai, I gotta—“

“Do it,” she bites out as the waves of her second orgasm continue to roll through her. “Yes, c’mon, Tucker, yeah.”

He sinks his teeth into his bottom lip as he starts to come, and her brain is hazy and shocky with pleasure but she still knows she doesn’t like that. She kisses him, soothing the bite and he makes whining noises against her moth, whimpering little moans and yes, this is why she kissed him, she hates it when he tries to be quiet.

They stay like that for a little while, Wash against her back, Tucker pressed along her front. Slowly, her back starts to ache. Wash presses a kiss against her shoulder blade and she reaches out blindly, finds his hand and intertwines their fingers. He squeezes back.

“Here,” Tucker says, breathing starting to even out, and she lifts up and he pulls out. She settles back down in his lap in a more comfortable position.

“You,” Wash says. “Are trouble.”

“Told you it was a stupid rule,” Kai replies, smiling.

“You still broke it,” Wash says. “That’s why you get to mop.”

“What the fuck, we didn’t even make a mess.”

“Tell that to a blacklight. You’re mopping.”

“I’ll mop you.”

“That doesn’t make any sense. And you both are. Don’t tell me you didn’t have anything to do with this, either.”

“I didn’t! I knew nothing of her plan,” Tucker protests Wash sends him a raised eyebrow. “I mean, I didn’t know what the plan was. I knew there was a plan, but I didn’t help with the planning—“

“I need a shower,” Kai says, testing the tackiness of her fingers against each other. “I’m all covered in boyjuice.”

“Wait—what?”

“A shower sounds awesome,” Tucker says. He leans up, slides a kiss messily across Kaikaina’s cheek. She giggles. “We should do that.”

“We’re doing that,” she agrees. “Shower time.”

“We’re mopping,” Wash says. “We are cleaning the kitchen, what if someone comes over? Our friends are all fucking assholes, and no one _calls_ first—”

“We’re showering first,” Tucker says, grabbing Wash’s hand. He slides his thumb over the back of it, an affectionate calming gesture. Tucker’s always a little more cuddly after he comes. “Then we’ll clean. Promise.”

“Pinky-swear,” Kaikaina adds. She swings a leg over Tucker, standing. “Now shower. Join us?”

“Yeah,” Wash says, getting properly to his feet. “Okay, shower.”

“I come up with the best ideas,” Kai says, grabbing their hands and towing them after her.

*

The rules are later amended to: No naked people on the counter or kitchen table, no sex in the kitchen if they _know_ people are coming over that day, and clean up ASAP after you're done sexing in the kitchen. This time they're all in agreement.

**Author's Note:**

> I REGRET NOTHING  
> Tumblr is Queseraawesome.tumblr.com if you want to come join me


End file.
